By Steve Hofstetter, with David Jelenko
Dear [People on My Facebook Page/Friends],
With [two days off of work/Rosh Hashanah] over, it’s time to look forward to Yom Kippur. And as always, that means [apologizing for stuff that isn’t my fault/penance], because [God says I have to/it’s always good to take stock of where things stand with our loved ones]. So I am writing to set things right with [you jerks who crowd my space/my family and friends]. Since I [can’t be bothered to do this in person/couldn’t reach out to all of you in time], the mass communication method seems like the [best cop-out/most practical way to go].
To that end, please fill out the following form and send it back to me [never/before Kol Nidre], so I [won’t have to deal with this again/can apologize properly].
1) Name: ________________
2) How I know you: [Family member/Friend/Currently stalking you on JDate]
3) How long I’ve known you: _______________
4) What I allegedly did wrong:
5) Are you sure [THING I DID] was really my fault? [YES/NO]
5a) Are you lying? [YES/NO]
6) Was [THING I DID] so bad that if Jews believed in hell, I would go there? [YES/NO] (If “YES,” please describe)
7) Would money/food/other gifts help paper over [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]
8) Are you going to let [THING I DID] go if I apologize? [YES/NO]
Note: If answer to #8 is “NO,” skip question #10.
If applicable: 8a) Will an apology get you to drop any pending lawsuits related to [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]
9) Is [THING I DID] forgivable? [YES/NO]
10) How I can make [THING I DID] up to you: __________________________
11) Will you still forgive [THING I DID] when invariably I don’t perform #10? [YES/NO]
And remember that for whatever I’ve done wrong over the last year, I am truly [without fault/sorry].