LOVE AND STUFF

by Marnie Macauley February 1, 2019
 

 

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Shalom, San Diegans: Love! We all want it. We all need it. Love is the big pay-off for a life filled with overdrafts, mortgages, kinder and silent suffering. Love is also elusive. We often talk ourselves into “love” out of need, perspiration and ignoring our most precious informed intuition. We will bend ourselves into pretzels to please. We will “fix” the happily “unfixed.” And fail, blaming ourselves. We will rationalize our fears: “I don’t want to wind up knitting tea cozies,” “I’m not perfect either,” “My biological clock sounds like Big Ben,” and we say: “But I looove him/her.” The more intelligent, the greater the internal debate. So, is a prospect gold or aluminum foil? And how do we find a decent one? Let’s look.

WHERE ARE ALL THE
GOOD MEN HIDING?

DEAR MARNIE: I am a 29-year-old woman who can’t seem to find love. I’m educated, have a successful job and am unable to find a man. I know it may be because I’m a little overweight. My family and most of my friends are in a relationship or married and keep pushing me. I’ve tried Jewish dating sites. They’re expensive and they suck. Besides, I’d like to actually see the guy before wasting my time. Do you: A) have any suggestions on how to find a loving man to call my own or B) Is there a Jewish monastery?     -Want Love, Los Angeles

MARNIE SAYS: Well, as to your “monastery” query, after careful consultation with my rabbi, we made a definitive decision to break for bagels. Besides, any woman with your panache, your humor, your fire can win the heart of a suitable prospect even with a little extra poundage. So, for you, I’ll tackle the hows and wheres of man hunting. (You can deal with the whys).

GETTING IT!
YOUR PERSONAL STRATEGY:

The Hows:

Prepare like the mighty hunter rousting out bison. OK, put on the shades and move off the sofa. You won’t find him if you’re slicing up melon balls or, yes, wasting precious time writing to a quirky advice columnist.

Network! Make your nosy pals produce. Surely their guys know other guys you’d want to know.

The Wheres: If you want filet, you don’t go to Hummus ‘R’ Us. Location! Location! Location!

1. The park. Who do you think those creatures are, fumbling footballs in the mud? Jog over, angel. Ditto for sporting events.

2. Gourmet delis. Not pickle places, “pate” places. Single men survive on these joints even more than on Little Debbies.

3. The street. Walk a dog (not a poodle) if you’re a female, I suggest a beast capable of hauling back a space shuttle.

4. Stores. Browse! Marnie suggests Imported car dealers, auto supplies and hardware. The only thing men crave more than a soft shoulder is soft leather or a 96 head widget screwdriver. Pick up something pointy and ask a ringless male what the doohinky does.

5. Space and science museums. Make eye contact with a fellow gazer. At least you’ll weigh less on Mercury. (Or am I wrong?)

6. Amusement parks on Sundays. This is cotton candy Daddy Day for the non-custodial pop who may be desperate for something sweet, as his tot Tilt A Whirls.

7. Try Jewish meet-ups and single shul nights. You never know who’s looking for more than religion and the Kiddish.

8. Do what YOU love to do. if your passion is bird watching, go, look up – and aroun

If you adore cooking, take a continuing ed course in cooking kosher and see if there’s a cute chef sizzling next to you. At least you’ll make a friend and enjoy! (Note: Do not take automotive repair. You’ll be sitting next to 50 women!)

Finally, lose weight. Not for them but for you, so you can stop making excuses. In the end, finding love has less to do with being in the right places, than being in the “right” place within you. Whether it’s weight, height, a pimple, we often “but but” our way into “I can’t” and doom ourselves into endless nights of Haagen-Daz and “Thelma & Louise.” If that’s what’s going on be straight up with you. And deal with it.

And I promise, once you’re OK with you, you’ll have more dates than Dromedary could pack in a lifetime.

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